What Drove Him Away
by grey's anomaly
Summary: Everything about her was perfect. Her scent, her body, her beauty, her mind – what little of it she lets me see – her personality, her frailty. Perfect. And every one of the things that are so perfect about her added up to why I didn't deserve her.


An Edward and Bella fanfic

_(New Moon period, pre-cliff diving incident) Edward's thoughts as he tries to reconcile himself to their separation. Uses the idea that maybe he hung around Forks for a few days before really leaving, but never went near Bella during that time. Maybe what he was thinking as he left Forks?_

I'm not fine, I'm in pain

It's harder everyday

Maybe we're better off this way?

It's better that we break, baby

- Better that We Break, Maroon 5

The fact that nothing about me was good for her is completely and inescapably clear to me. Nothing could change that, no matter what masks I wore or how much care I took when I was around her. This was what she needed, a chance to live a normal, human life without the presence of half a dozen vampires to throw it off course.

I knew all of this; I'd been over it in my head dozens of times. It was the thought foremost on my mind when I was nowhere near her. It's what I tried to keep in mind when I was around her, especially when she was in my arms. That was what I forced myself to remember as I ran, leaving her broken behind me.

I was nothing good for her.

I never thought I'd ever come across someone who would mean so much to me. Never, not in the ninety-odd years I've walked this planet. You might say I'd given up the hope of finding love when my heart quit beating. Fate then decided to throw that theory out the window.

Everything about her was perfect. Her scent, her body, her beauty, her mind – what little of it she lets me see – her personality, her frailty. Perfect. And every one of the things that are so perfect about her added up to why I didn't deserve her.

My dearest Bella, my perfect angel, was much too good for a monster like me.

The forest passed in a smear of green-gray, both due to my preternatural speed and the swirl of my thoughts. I'd hurt her, I knew. Even if I had turned around then and gone back to her, if I had scooped her up in my arms and held her as close to my silent heart as I could, I'd caused wounds that would leave scars on her heart for ages. I knew this, even without the ability to read her mind. But it was better this way. It was better that we break.

Days passed without my notice. I was safe from discovery where I was; no one would look for any of the Cullens in Forks after that, especially not up in the mountains. I sat and stared at the town, thinking of the time we spent together and trying not to wonder how she was. The pull of her presence was hard to fight; my mind knew it was better the way things were, but my heart cried for the pain I'd caused her. It knew she was

down there in the tiny town, my silent heart, and the struggle to stay away from her grew harder every day. I was useless without her. I'd done nothing but sit here since that afternoon, letting the pain flow over me. My essence yearned for her and all I could do was fight the urge and withstand the pain.

In the end, I can't take it anymore. I give into the longings I've been denying. Stealthily I crept through the forest, scaled the wall and crawled into her bedroom through the window pitifully left open for me. I stand at the end of her bed and stare down at her and the sight breaks my heart.

She lies there, cold and pale, on her bed. I felt a spear of panic slice through me at the slow, shallow quality of her breathing. Never before has she seemed so fragile, not even when I rescued her from James. Even unconscious, she seems so broken, like a fine sculpture carelessly thrown to the floor. I smother a groan and collapse to my knees, undone by the sight of her pain. Reaching out, I carefully brushed my trembling fingers over her cheek. I never expected her reaction to my touch.

She whimpered in her sleep, her body shuddering with the force of a sob as she tried to curl into my touch. "Edward," she sobbed, an ocean of pain behind the single utterance of my name. Agony speared through my chest, taking my breath away, as she spoke in her sleep. "No, no, no, no," she begged. "Please, Edward, don't-!"

My tearless eyes burning, I swiftly and carefully pulled her into my arms, cradling her as she slept, soothing away the nightmare. Unbidden, the notes to her lullaby tore from my throat, anything to stop her pain. I rocked her in my arms as her expression slowly faded into peacefulness, as she sank deeper into sleep, away from the nightmares – away from me.

I stayed that way the rest of the night, holding her close and watching her face. It hurt dreadfully to lay her back on her bed, to let her go again in favor of her safety. She would wake soon, but I wouldn't be there. That last night with her was all it took, the only prop I needed to go through with my plan. Sneaking one last glimpse of her peaceful, beautiful face, I climbed out of her window.

As I ran away from her house and into the cold, uncaring arms of a world without her, that last image of her filled my mind and half-remembered lyrics echoed within me. "Inside this ancient heart, you'll always be a part of me." My silent, ancient heart, so torn by pain and love and despair, shattered under the strain as I continued my path away from her and something beautiful seemed to leave the world.

I was nothing good for her, but she was everything good for me.

_I don't own Edward Cullen or Bella Swan (they belong to Stephenie Meyer). I don't own the lyrics to Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel) (they belong to Billy Joel). I don't own the Maroon 5 lyrics (Maroon 5 does.)_


End file.
